RING RAMBLINGS by Ray Vandal - March 26, 2002

Last week it rained, and rained, and rained, and rained, and rained, and rained, and rained, and rained and rained. It was depressing and it was all caused by (dramatic drum roll please) The Phoenix Foundation! Many of you didn't believe me when I said that the loathsome Ryan and Brian Phoenix's winning of the tag belts at "Burning Fury" was phase one for their ultimate plan of laying ruin to the world. It's OK if most of you think I'm crazy, although I'm not, because if I was crazy then why would the doctors have released me from the asylum (even though a powerful benefactor from PWF Mid-South, who shall remain nameless, did help me to convince the board of directors that I should be released). As long as I take my medicine and see my doctor on a regular basis, I can remain free just like all of the other SANE people. And if that's good enough for the doctors, then it should be good enough for all of you. But Nooooo. Most of you refuse to listen to me and claim that I am mentally unstable. Now the dark power of the Phoenix Foundation has grown to such a high level that they can control the elements of nature and cause severe storms and massive flash floods. So I don't feel sorry for any of you. I tried to spread the good word, but was scoffed at. The power of the Phoenix is growing and despite the fact that all of you are unworthy of saving, I will continue in my efforts to stop Ryan and Brian. Perhaps writing my opinions isn't good enough anymore. Maybe it's time for me to try a more direct coarse of action, but first I will wait and see what happens on Friday, Apr. 5, at "Road To Glory" in Knoxville.

I had a dream two nights ago that a gigantic Raven and a doggie chew toy (this is symbolism - The Raven is not the ECW/WWF wrestler known as "Raven", but represents the Phoenix Foundation and the doggie chew toy represents Jason Extreme) were destroyed by a runaway train and two angels that descended from the heavens (Loco is the train, as in locomotive, and the angels are the Lost Boyz, Azrael and Gabriel). That was a lovely dream that brought tears to my eyes when I woke up. The runaway train crushed the doggie chew toy as the angels of light descended upon the evil Raven. The angels used swords of fire on the wicked beast, but the darkness was too strong and the Raven was beginning to gather enough inner strength to defeat the good angels (yes, I did say good. My sources, who I will not reveal, have uncovered that the Lost Boyz aren't evil, they're just misunderstood fallen angels). Suddenly, the train came at the Raven from behind and ran its sorry ass over. The angels charged up with their swords and burned the remains of the Raven out of existence.

If you can read this before the match, Loco, listen to me very carefully. In your match with the Lost Boyz against the Phoenix Foundation and Jason Extreme, do not let your smug attitude and champion pride get in the way of taking care of what really matters - destroying the Phoenix Foundation at all costs, even if it means sacrificing your title. But, it shouldn't come to that if you follow my advice. According to the dream, you need to first concentrate fully on Jason Extreme. Do this and you will be able to discard him early in the match and he will no longer be a threat. Next, work with the Lost Boyz and it will be you - Loco - that will help deliver the killing blow to the Phoenix. It will will be a three on two annihilation and all you have to do is cooperate with Azrael and Gabriel. Loco, I implore to you, don't mess this up. The Phoenix's wings must be clipped. This time, for good.

Moving on to other things, "Chronic Atomic" or Scottie Chronic or Atomic Hanson or whatever the HELL his name is (you know who I'm talking about, the drug dealer that writes The Chronicle column) is wondering what my malfunction is and suggests that I should have bought my "stuff" from him (read the latest installment of The Chronicle for full details on the defamation of my character). Let me tell you something, Scotty, I take drugs because I have to. If I don't, the doctors will throw me back into the asylum and I'm not going to let that happen. You see, I'm not one of your clients that gets "messed up" for fun. I get messed up because I'm told to get messed up because I'm messed up in the head and that I have to get more messed up in order to get any better and not be messed up anymore. Understand? Well, it's crystal clear to me.

There's one more thing that I'd like to talk about concerning "Road to Glory". Tatsumi Fujinami.... I mean The Menace, versus Kid Rock ..... I mean Kid Kash. This should be a slobber knocker (hey, can I say that without getting sued and did I even spell it right?) and a barn burner!. Whatever you do, don't miss this match.

Well, that's it for this week. I've got to go to the weekly philosophical meeting with Kojar the jub jub bird and discuss the sociological consequences of World War II and the post-modern effects of the 1950's.

RING RAMBLINGS by Ray Vandal - March 18, 2002

I have some very interesting info to share with you about the PWF Mid-South superstar known as the Menace. As most of you know, I've been out of the asylum for around six weeks now. Most people would have lost touch with their sources and informants while on that difficult and traumatic sojourn at a facility for the mentally ill, but not me. All of my snitches and spies..... let me rephrase that..... All of my contacts have gathered information on the masked man known as the Menace. You see, I asked them to find out who he really is. Of course, some of the information was inaccurate and downright silly. Such as the accusation that the Menace is really Stevie Ray. Well, that's ridiculous and not true. Another theory was that the Menace was the wrestler from Mexico known as La Parka. Although La Parka did wear a mask (remember the Skeletor outfit?), he is clearly not the Menace. But, I know who the Menace REALLY is!

Hold your breath and sit down. Here it goes! He is none other than that Japanese wrestling sensation known as Tatsumi Fujinami (forgive me if I spelled the name incorrectly, but the Japanese have such a weird little language and after all, my specialty is English). You didn't misunderstand me, I did say Tatsumi Fujinami! Regardless of other reports, he is not wrestling in other countries. That's all a red herring. He's here in PWF Mid-South and trying to make another name for himself. But why the fresh start? Why would he go incognito? The answer to that is shocking, but true nonetheless (I wouldn't give you inaccurate or made up news, that would be wrong).

It all revolves around some sort of misunderstanding with one of Japan's other world renowned superstars - Godzilla. What happened was that cockroach men from Mars were harassing the planet Earth again and Japan needed the mighty lizard's help once again. By the way, why is it that with Godzilla the Martians always attack Japan. Why not some other country like Russia of Canada? Anyway, Godzilla was late because he had spent the whole night partying and getting drunk off of his ass with his old running buddy Mothra, so the fearless thunder lizard had a hang over and was slowly making his way to the scene. Here's where things get interesting. Fujinami was in Tokyo and didn't like what he was seeing (the cockroach guys sent Monster Zero to destroy and eat everything). So Fujinami straps on his wrestling gear and beats the hell out of the zero monster and flings it into the invading space ship, blowing the flying space craft and the universal monster to ion particles, thus saving the world.

You'd think Fujinami would a get some appreciation for his heroic deeds, but NOOOOO. Godzilla shows up and is upset that he didn't get his share of the spotlight. Some very nasty words were shared between Godzilla and Fujinami. Word is that Godzilla got a hold of his outside connections and hired the Chinese Mafia to take Fujinami out.

After learning that he had a price on his head, Fujinami packed his bags and headed for the U.S. It's a good thing too, because Fujinami.....I mean the Menace..... is a great wrestler and a wonderful asset to PWF Mid-South. Don't worry about me letting the cat out of the bag, Menace, because your secret is safe with me. By the way, I wish Jason Wrecker all the luck in the galaxy against the Menace this Saturday. He's going to need it against someone who can stand toe-to-toe with Monster Zero.

There is one final subject of great importance that I must address. This Saturday at "Retribution" the Death Row Inmates will get their chance for payback on the Phoenix Foundation. Sure, the Phoenix's got the tag belts at "Burning Fury" and completed phase one of their plan for total world domination, but this weekend will be different. I will bring plenty of good luck charms with me this Saturday and they will counter the evil enchantments spun by the occult practicing Phoenix Foundation. I know that some of you think that I'm crazy, but I'm not. As I've said before, if I was crazy, Kojar the jub jub bird would have told me that I was and he hasn't and I'm not. PLEASE! You must believe me!!! The Phoenix Foundation are minion's of the underworld. They're just acting like they're normal people, but they're not. I've felt their negative energy before and I can tell you that are the personification of EVIL.

I hope the Death Row Inmates take care of these demonic despots once and for all. If they don't, then I'm in trouble. The Phoenix Foundation knows that I've been telling everyone about their damning mechanisms, and they won't let me get away with it for long. So if the Inmates are reading this column, I'm begging and pleading with you to crush the Phoenix - before they can crush me.

Well, until next time readers, have a great day and I hope to see you this Saturday at "Retribution".

RING RAMBLINGS by Ray Vandal - March 12, 2002

First of all, let me congratulate Shane Williams and Rich Kavana for their stellar performance in what I personally believe to be one of the best matches to ever take place in the East Tennessee Region. To be honest, it's the BEST match I've seen all year! Kavana and Williams deserve props for all of the blood and suffering that was involved in the "career match", which was held at "Burning Fury" last Sunday. I have three highlights from that contest. The first one was for Williams throwing Kavana through the fans at ringside (who were scattering out of the way) and into the chairs. Highlight number two was when Kavana was cut open and bled all over the arena like a stuck pig. The third highlight, and the greatest one of them all, was when Kavana climbed a ladder and hurled himself onto Williams, which drove both athletes through a table. That was AWESOME!!!!

Kudos guys, you did a great job!

Now on to other, less pleasant, events concerning "Burning Fury". The tag team match - WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? I had spoken with the Death Row Inmates before the match, and they assured me that the belts would not be compromised. Jason Maxx told me that he was going to kill somebody. Willie B. Badd was going to decapitate Ryan or Bryan, throw the head to the fans, and then we were all going to go out into the street and rejoice. But that didn't happen. Instead, the Death Row Inmates got their asses totally kicked and lost the belts to the unholy Phoenix Foundation.

After researching the match and going over it like a zillion times in my mind, I've come up with three contributing factors that explain why the Phoenix Foundation won the tag championships.

ONE: When I talked to Badd and Maxx, we agreed that they should stay in the back and let the Lost Boyz and the Phoenix Foundation pound the paste out of each other. Instead, the Death Row Inmates come running out during the match and jump both teams. I have nothing against the idea of getting an early start on beating up Brian and Ryan, but they should have waited. Oh well, you live and learn.

TWO: The x-factor of the whole sordid affair were the Lost Boys. These two give anarchists a bad name -they're IDIOTS! They should've formed an alliance with the Death Row Inmates, but no, they had to show off and prove that they were all that. MORONS! The belts don't matter. Ending the Phoenix Foundation does. If they would have just smartened up and focused on what mattered, things wouldn't be in the hellacious shape that they're in now.

Three: The Phoenix Foundation worked their black magic and put a spell on the Death Row Inmates. Want proof, well here it goes. When Maxx was preparing to throw an unsuspecting victim through a blazing table, he was knocked over and went straight through the inferno. Did Maxx make a mistake? I think not. Luck was the culprit, or should I say SATANIC MAGIC! Here's another one, Prison Bitch was caught by Badd, and then the duo was kicked, forcing the pair to go crashing through a table. Badd never would've fallen for that during normal circumstances (although Prison Bitch would have, he's a Class A screw up), but these weren't ordinary circumstances, the magic of the Phoenix Foundation was at work.

You should have seen the Death Row Inmates in the locker room. Badd now has a bad arm, Maxx needed stitches and Prison Bitch had a big bump on his head (although there isn't anything in there to injure). To make a long story short, everything backfired (please pardon the reference to fire pun). It was Magic! Magic I tell you. That's the culprit and the Phoenix Foundation is behind everything.

Do the math and you too will figure out what's going on. There were three highlights in the Kavana and Williams match and three factors that led to the Death Row Inmates losing the belts. Add that together and you get 6. In the main event, three teams wrestled for the tag titles, which gives us 6 wrestlers. There are 6 matches mentioned on the PWF Mid-South results section (there were more matches). Now, if you add all of that up, you get 666! THE MARK OF THE BEAST!! Since my sources (who I will not reveal) have confirmed that the Phoenix Foundation are practitioners of the occult, it is not only possible, but a FACT, that they worked their dark and evil power that night in order to obtain the titles.

Fortunately for me, I had some ju ju protective charms and was thus shielded from the dark art of the Phoenix Foundation. Unfortunately, all I could do was take pictures and watch in helplessness as Brian and Ryan won the tag straps.

They have to be stopped! The tag belts are phase one and the world is next. While watching them the other night, I could feel the bad vibes of the Phoenix Foundation. Their power is growing. I'll have to get more protective white magic devices, but I doubt it will be enough. You see, they know that I know what they know, and if they know that I know, then they will make sure that nobody else knows - Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, I do. They're going to come after me and if I don't do something quick, I'm a goner. If you never here from me again, my dear reader's, then it means that the evil proxies of the Phoenix Foundation have silenced me forever. I'm afraid, I'm very afraid. The clock is ticking! The end is nigh!

Somebody, please somebody, STOP the Phoenix Foundation BEFORE IT'S TOO Late!!!!

RING RAMBLINGS by Ray Vandal - March 4, 2002

I'm in shock right now. I don't know how it was done, but THEY did it! What am I talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I was set up! I was scandalized! My character was attacked by slander!

Let me try explain to you what I'm talking about. In the Ring Ramblings Feb. 18 installment, the editor proclaims that "Ray Vandal is out of his mind," and that "Mr.. Vandal clearly is not in touch with reality." Well, I think the editor is out of his mind. First of all, if I was crazy, Kojar the Jub Jub bird would have told me that I was crazy - he didn't and I'm not! The editor goes on and says that I was wrong about the Phoenix Foundation winning the belts at bloodlust. That's GREAT NEWS! Who would want to see those peons with the belts? Certainly not me.

As for me being wrong about the title change - all I can say is that I saw what I saw.

After doing some hard core research, I've come up with a TRUTHFUL explanation as to what happened. You see, I found out through my sources (who I will not reveal, because that would be wrong) that Ryan and Brian Phoenix dabble in the occult. To make a long story short, they put a spell on me that brought on the hallucination of them winning the belts.

The reason why the Phoenix Foundation did this was to subjugate the masses into believing that they are the PWF Mid-South tag champions and to discredit my reputation as a journalist because they are afraid that I will expose their insidious natures.

That was a good one, Brian and Ryan - but it won't work again. You see, I know what kind of individuals that you two are and I'm going to be watching you very closely from this point on. I know and the Phoenix Foundation knows that they are agents of evil and darkness! A drunken homeless man warned me about being attacked by dark magic four weeks ago, but I didn't listen to him and I should have.

Let me assure my readers that inaccurate information will never happen again in my column. Not only will I be more cautious, but I've bought some white magic protective charms that will keep away the wicked power of the Phoenix Foundation.

Believe it or not, I hope that the Phoenix Foundation defeats the Lost Boyz at the "Burning Fury" show in Oliver Springs, TN (the winners get a shot at the champs later that night). Don't worry, I haven't lost my mind because I'm not cheering for them because I like them. I want them to win in order that they will have to face the PWF Mid-South tag champions - The Death Row Inmates. My sources (who I will not reveal) have informed me that the very fires of Hell will be waiting for whoever wins the No. 1 contenders match. I want Ryan and Brian to win. That way, we can all see The Phoenix BURN!!! BURN!!! BURN!!!

As for my sanity, I will from this day forward vow to keep my comments as sane as I am able.

Now let's get to the interview that I conducted earlier in the week with Shane Williams. We talked about his upcoming "retirement match", which is set to take place at "Burning Fury", against his former tag partner Rich Kavana. We also discussed his self-absorbed attitude and his ever relevant mean streak.

Vandal: Shane, Rich Kavana has stated the feud between the two of you started when you left him for dead at the PWF Mid-South tag tournament, held at Whitley City, Kentucky, against the Death Row Inmates.

Williams: We all saw what happened at the tag team tournament. During the entire match, I had to do all the moves. My partner (Rich Kavana) was thrown out of the ring on five different occasions. It was on the fifth occurrence, at that moment, that I realized Anarchy was through and over with. I decided I needed to go for the gold for myself - without a tag team partner.

Vandal: Rich Kavana says that he carried Anarchy and he was behind all of the team's success.

Williams: He was the Success? Ha ha ha ha! That's a joke. Rich Kavana is a joke. Listen, I was the one that carried the team. There is no doubt about that. I believe that when it comes down to it, Kavana will be the one to be retired at "Burning Fury".

Vandal: Speaking of the "retirement match", Kavana claims that he will end your career and that he will show everyone why he is the number one stunner.

Williams: When we wrestled each other at "Bloodlust", Kavana gave me his little swonton deal and he beat me. But at "Burning Fury", it's not going to end the same way.

Vandal: Excuse me, Mr. Williams, but Kavana doesn't call it the swonton bomb. He calls it the Undertow.

Williams: Well, excuse me. I didn't mean to say that. It might piss him off. Anyway, Shane Williams is bringing his game for our match. Oliver Springs will see why I'm not going to retire. They will see why my ex-partner will will no longer be able to wrestle and why he will be stuck commentating my matches.

Vandal: Let's talk about your style of wrestling. You like to use some classic greco-Roman moves, mixed in with a few high spots, followed by malicious brawling. I've noticed that the fans will support you during a match and all of a sudden, you show a vicious mean streak that appalls the fans. Some would say that when the chips are down in a match, you loose control.

Williams: I never loose control when I'm in the ring. The fact is that I don't wrestle for the fans. I may have fans cheer for me. I can't help what they want. My job is to kick a little ass and I'm going to kick Rich Kavana's ass this Sunday.

Vandal: Whatever town or city you go into, you proclaim that you are their favorite wrestler. For example, you'll say, "Shane Williams is Oliver Springs favorite wrestler." You do this on a regular basis. Are you absolutely convinced that you are everyone's favorite wrestler?

Williams: By the way everyone cheers me, of course I'm everybody's favorite wrestler. The fact is that I am everyone's favorite wrestler. There's nothing I can do about that. It's natural. It's natural for me to be everyone's favorite wrestler.

Vandal: Critics have sited that you are self absorbed and egotistical. You seem to be concerned only with yourself.

Williams: That's what it's all about. I don't wrestle to have friends. Are me and my opponent suppose to be good buddies? When I step into the ring, it's all about me. Or it could be about something else - maybe the gold.

Vandal: Many people have noticed that you are rude and crude to women. There are times when you shrug women off altogether. Most of the time, you show very little interest in them and..."

Williams: Are you trying to say I'm gay?

Vandal: No, I'm not trying to say that. I'm just trying to ask..."

Williams: I'm not gay.

Vandal: I never said that you were.

Williams: I'm not a homo.

Vandal: You're not paranoid, are you?

Williams: No, I'm not paranoid, but I will kick your ass right now.

Vandal: I'm not trying to say that you are gay.

Williams: You're not trying to say that?

Vandal: You see, Rich Kavana forced me, yeah, that's right, he forced me to ask that question.

Williams: So, Rich Kavana put you up to this.

Vandal: I didn't want to do it.

Williams: Shane Williams is not gay. Last night was a long night for me. I did a lot of stuff. I did a lot of girls. Just because you don't see me hang out with girls during matches, that doesn't mean that I don't like girls. I put my game face on and I win my matches and after that, then I go out and I get a woman.

Vandal: I will ask you a question that will prove once and for all as to whether you are gay or not. Is Truman Capote your favorite writer?

Williams: No.

Vandal: That settles it! You're not gay. Moving on, it seems that your headed toward competing frequently in the cruiserweight division. Kidd Krazzy is the current junior heavyweight champion. He's been showing us a new attitude and..."

Williams: What new attitude is that? Puberty? His name is Kidd Krazzy, and every kid has to go through puberty.

Vandal: I think it's that he wants more respect from people.

Williams: Let me say this to Kidd .......... What did you say his name was?

Vandal: His name is Kidd Krazzy.

Williams: Well, Kidd Krazzy, respect is something that you earn. It's not something you can just ask for. When I'm done with Rich Kavana, I'm coming for...... What's his name again?

Vandal: Kid Krazzy.

Williams: My new target will be Kidd Krazzy. I'm going to break Rich Kavana's neck and then I'm going to break what's his name's neck.

Vandal: In the future, what would like to do with your career?

Williams: That's a good question and I have a simple answer.

Vandal: All right! I finally asked a good question.

Williams: I'm going to go straight to the top. I'm on the mid-card level right now. After I take out Rich Kavana, it will be smooth sailing and I will be in the main event in no time at all. Kidd......What's his name again?

Vandal: Krazzy.

Williams: Kidd Krazzy is nothing. I put him in the same league as Kavana. They're two little retards and I'm going to have to kick their asses. I'll probably end both of their careers. Whatever it takes to get the PWF Mid-South junior heavyweight title.

Vandal: Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Williams.

Williams: It's been your pleasure.

Vandal: You know, the last time I interviewed Rich Kavana, he said the same thing.

Williams: Jackass.

RING RAMBLINGS by Ray Vandal - February 25, 2002

Last week I chatted with PWF Mid-South commentator and wrestler Rich Kavana. We talked about his luxurious lifestyle, his personal philosophies, and his utter disdain for the people that live in the Southeast.

Vandal: Rich, at "Retribution", you are slated to participate in a four-way elimination match against fellow commentator "Atomic Chronic" Scotty Hanson, the newcomer Thorn, and your former friend and ex-tag team partner Shane Williams. What do you think..."

Kavana: Let me stop you right there. Shane Williams was never my friend - he was a business partner. As far as the success of Anarchy goes, I carried the team and was the reason why we won so many titles in the Southeast area. I don't know what the promoter is doing by putting me in a match at "Retribution" against Thorn and my partner, Scotty Hanson. The "Atomic Chronic" and myself do not have any problems with one another. I don't know who Thorn is, or even where he comes from. I've heard that he's suppose to be a tough opponent in the ring . Maybe (the promoters) are trying to hurt Rich Kavana. Maybe they're trying to put me down because I have money. I don't know what the deal is.

Vandal: Let's talk about your feud with Shane Williams. It started on Jan. 19, in Whitley City, Kentucky. Both of you were wrestling against the Death Row Inmates in the PWF Mid-South tag team tournament. In that match, your team was losing and Williams took off to the dressing room, leaving you to fend for yourself against Willie B. Badd and Jason Maxx. You were subsequently beaten thoroughly and viciously by your opponents. It was later reported that you suffered a concussion from that brutal assault. What are your feelings about that night?

Kavana: What happened was that Shane Williams ran like a chicken. He tucked his tail between his legs and got the hell out of Dodge. That's not my style and I never would have done something like that to him. He saw that we were beat and he left me to get man-handled by these 300-pound guys that had just been released from jail. I don't know why the Inmates were freed from prison, and I feel that our tax dollars should've kept them in there. The point is that there will be a reckoning, and even though I beat Shane Williams at "Bloodlust", it's not over until I say it's over.

Vandal: What brought you to the Southeast area?

Kavana: That's a good question. How in the Hell did I wind up here? You see, my promoter thought that it would be good for my image to travel to places of low class, such as Kentucky and Tennessee, in order to show off my remarkable talent. I'm from Miami, Florida, and that is where champions are born and where champions play.

Vandal: Rich, you are a wealthy person, due in large part to the trust fund that your parents have set aside for you, and you seem to have every want or need taken care of. You live a seemingly charmed life. Why are you always pissed off at the world?

Kavana: What it boils down to is that I'm use to seeing people that are, not necessarily born with silver spoons in their mouths, but who use silver spoons to eat with. The people of Kentucky and Tennessee use plastic forks to eat with. They use plastic plates. They use plastic cups. With them, everything is plastic. Their chains are fake gold, and they don't have money like I do. It's annoying and it bothers me that their like that. I'm trying to show them that with success and money that you can raise yourself to a higher level. I'm at an extremely high level right now and I am the living prototype of greatness.

Vandal: Many critics and fans cite that you are greedy and self-absorbed. But I have learned through my sources that you have not only contributed to charities, but you have founded charities as well. One of your sponsored programs is called the Single Mother's Fund, where you donate money to good-looking blonde-headed, blue-eyed mothers between the ages of 18-22.

Kavana: Of course. That was a thing that myself and Shane Williams had set up when we came to this area around two years ago. We saw the filth and grime that encompasses this region. I saw a lot of poor people that were homeless. What could I say? What could I do? I decided to share my wealth with blonde-headed, blue-eyed babes.

Vandal: Let's not forget the other organization that you have founded, the Stripper Rehabilitation Fund.

Kavana: Rob Yublind, the owner of PWF Mid-South, has strip joints all over the place. He's teaching the girls the easy and sleazy way to make money. Well, all that they have to do for me is to perform their services (to me personally) and I'll pay them up front. That way, there doesn't have to be a crowd.

Vandal: So you help these girls get back on their feet again?

Kavana: Of course. And if they get down on their knees, I help them get up when they're done.

Vandal: That's very nice of you.

Kavana: Thank you.

Vandal: What do you think of the women in general in the Kentucky and Tennessee area?

Kavana: Rich Kavana has a code for women that he dates and there is not too many around here that are up to my high standards. When the women have four boobs, two front teeth, and work at the Waffle House, well that's pretty much what most of the women from Kentucky and Tennessee amount to. There's nothing like Miami women.

Vandal: You have a move called the Undertow, which many observers claim to be the Swonton Bomb.

Kavana: Let me enlighten you and the world on something. You see, a couple of years ago I travelled to Myrtle Beach (one of the crappiest beaches in the world) with my parents (they were traveling the countryside on vacation) and I ran into this kid by the name of Jeff. He was there with his gay brother and we started talking to each other.

Vandal: About being gay?

Kavana: No! You idiot! We were just talking in general.

Vandal: I apologize. Please continue.

Kavana: Anyway, Jeff started talking about how he really wanted to be a pro wrestler. Pro wrestling had nothing to do with my thoughts at the time. All I cared about back then was money, hoes and clothes. Jeff was showing me a move where he jumped off of his brother's back and landed into the water. Jeff called it the Swonton Bomb. I thought to myself, What kind of lame name is the Swonton Bomb? After seeing how stupid it was, I got up on his brother's shoulders and showed him how it should really be done. I showed him how to have style. I think he became famous or something. He works for sandwiches compared to the money that I have. What can I say? He's not me and he wants to be me.

Vandal: Can we talk about the various title holders in PWF Mid-South.

Kavana: Sure. Ask away.

Vandal: What do you think about the Death Row Inmates? The team that gave you a concussion that resulted in you spending the night at the hospital.

Long Dramatic Pause

Vandal: Mr. Kavana, are you OK?

Kavana: Just give me a minute! I'm thinking.

Vandal: My bad. Take your time.

Several Minutes Later

Kavana: Rich Kavana doesn't have many words for Willie B. Slow and Jason Fats. I don't understand, these two guys are just let out of jail and they can do whatever they want? I don't know where these dudes came from, but I've heard their parents are also their aunts and uncles. Sure, they can throw their weight around in the ring and try to hurt somebody, but I could own them if I wanted to. That night during the tag tournament, I had enough money in my back pocket to buy their trailer and their old, beat-up truck.

Vandal: I know you have a grudge with the Inmates, but I think it's great that the former convicts are being given a second chance. And I'm not just saying that because I was released from the asylum a couple of weeks ago.

Kavana: I don't care what you say. I don't care about a second chance, a third chance, or even a fourth chance. None of that matters to me, because the Death Row Inmates will be short lived when Rich Kavana does what Rich Kavana does. I'm going to hire bodyguards to take care of them. You see, I can't beat them in a one-on-one fight. That's clear, everyone knows that. As far as I'm concerned, the situation with the Death Row Inmates is over. Don't worry about it. It's taken care of.

Vandal: OK. What do you think about the cruiser weight champion, Kidd Krazzy?

Kavana: Do you mean Kidd Stuppid? Oh, you mean Kidd Krazzy. He walks around with this new attitude like he's real bad and great. Let me tell you something, I've always been bad and I've always been the best. Kidd Krazzy can fly around in the ring and do the Swonton Bomb like Jeff, like the Phoenix Foundation, like Shane Williams' mom and like everyone else. But nobody does the Undertow. That's Rich Kavana's move. Kidd Krazzy has his day coming if he messes with me.

Vandal: What do you think about the heavyweight champion, "Big Gun" Robbie Race? He looked very impressive when he won the title form Dave "The Science" Pillman at "Bloodlust".

Kavana: Robbie Race would look impressive if he was dressed up like the whale that he is and performing at Sea World. The "Big Gun"? There isn't a big gun on Robbie Race's body! The only thing big about him are the fat particles that reside in his stomach. Race walks around the ring with a shirt that says "Sad But True" on the front. Yeah, it is sad but true that you're that ugly - I'm sorry, Rich Kavana cannot change that. But I can tell you that your PWF Mid-South title is nothing compared to my money.

Vandal: Let's change the subject. Shane Williams has been telling everybody that he will end your career. What are your comments?

Kavana: Shane Williams thinks he's better than me, but I can beat him anywhere. I can beat him anytime.

Vandal: You can beat him anywhere? You can beat him anytime? Would you beat him in the park? Would you beat him on a lark?

Kavana: I would beat him in the dark. I would beat him with a fox. I would beat him like an ox. It doesn't matter if he wants to meet me on a train. He's name has always been lame. I'm Rich Kavana. I'm the number one stunner. I'm the K to the A, the V to the A, and N to the A. Rich every day. When I beat Shane Williams again, and as he looks at himself in the mirror and tries to dry his tears, he will know that I'm Rich and he's not!

Vandal: Thank you for your time, Mr. Kavana.

Kavana: It's been your pleasure.

RING RAMBLINGS by Ray Vandal - February 18, 2002

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Ray Vandal is out of his mind. In this article, he claims that The Phoenix Foundation won the tag belts at the last PWF Mid-South show. The Phoenix Foundation are not the tag team champions...The Death Row Inmates are. Please disregard all mentions of new champions as Mr. Vandal clearly is not in touch with reality.

Welcome to Ring Ramblings. I am very excited and pleased to be writing this column for PWF Mid-South. Why do I have all of this optimism? Well the reason for all the hoopla is because this is my very first column. Let me try to explain myself. I've been writing for over three years and at one time I did have a pretty solid reputation as a journalist. That is, until last November. Something terrible happened to me that month - I lost my job. I'd like to say that I handled it very professionally, picked myself up, got a new and better job, and moved on with my life. But that would be a lie and the last thing that would want to do right now is lie. The truth is that I experienced what the doctors would later tell me to be a nervous breakdown. In short - I snapped.

I don't think anyone has any idea as to how miserable it is to spend the holidays in an asylum. Some people have the misconception that a mental institution is a prison for crazy people. They're wrong (about the prison part, the part about the facility housing crazy people is true). Let me try to explain the difference. In prison, you spend time reflecting on how you could have possibly let yourself sink so low. In the asylum, you're on so many drugs that you try to reflect upon where you're at, what day it is, what your name is, how old you are, and who is the current president of the United States?

To be honest, the experience has improved my life. I no longer want to strangle people with my bare hands, I have gotten rid of the old habit of releasing my anger by destroying inanimate objects, and the voices in my head are all gone (and I'm being truthful about that, because I wouldn't lie just to keep myself out of the asylum - that would be wrong). How did my life get back on track? PWF Mid-South is the thing that helped turn everything around for me. Here's how:

A very powerful person in PWF Mid-South (I'm not going to tell you who he is because I never reveal my sources) read some of my old journalistic articles and looked at some of my archive pictures of burning houses and cemeteries. That certain person liked what they saw and offered me a job as a columnist and photographer. I told the mystery benefactor that I was interested, but I was presently committed to the asylum. He told me he'd take care of it. Next thing I know, me and my mystery savior are in front of the committee board pleading my case. My secret employer was able to help me convince the doctors that I should be released from the asylum. The sixth hearing is always the charm (or so I've heard) and I was soon released. Although I did have to agree to take my medicine and to see my doctor on a regular basis.

Well, there you have it. The reason why I am so overjoyed by getting the chance to write this column. As for the column itself, most of the time I will be interviewing PWF Mid-South talent in an effort to try and shed some journalistic light on PWF Mid-South news. Once in a while, I'll share my opinions and thoughts about the going-ons in PWF Mid-South.

I do have a few comments about the tag team title match that was held on Thursday, Feb. 7 in Oliver Springs at Bloodlust. How in the HELL did a couple of pretty boys like the Phoenix Foundation beat a tough and rumble group like the Death Row Inmates? Did the Phoenix Foundation pay Miss Cleo to properly align the stars? Did Hades freeze over? Or did Ryan and Brian Phoenix sell their souls to Satan in exchange for the power to defeat the tag champs for the straps? Whatever the case, the miracle happened and the Punk Foundation became the new PWF tag team title holders.

All I can say is that the sissy duo (yes, I'm talking about Ryan and Brian) better enjoy those belts while they can. In fact, they better carry them around at all times. They better eat with their belts near them at the table, clean the trailer with the belts on, use the toilet with the belts beside them, and even sleep with their arms grasping firm the shiny belts. Why should they do all of this? Because the Death Row Inmates are going to make them their personal bitches on Saturday, Mar. 2 at Retribution in Whitley City, KY.

Badd and Maxx are low-life, bone breaking thugs (which is why I personally think they're cool, because you can't have too many role models in this day and age) and they do not appreciate being disrespected the way that they were by the Phoenix Foundation at Bloodlust.

Most people think that the Death Row Inmates jumped Brian Phoenix after his victorious match against Thorn (for the record, Brian cheated Thorn out of that match), thus causing Ryan Phoenix to rush to his aid, which ended with the Phoenix Foundation beating up the champions and walking away with the hard earned titles. It might have looked that way, but here's what REALLY happened.

Brian was barely able to get past Thorn (did I already mention that he had to cheat to win) and the Death Row Inmates knew that they would have an unfair advantage if they were to wrestle the Phoenix Foundation while Brian was not at a hundred percent. Being true fighting champions, the Inmates asked Brian if he would like to wrestle for the belts at the next PWF Mid-South card. Instead of accepting the gracious offer by the champs, the upstart Brian spat into Badd's face and then proceeded to call Maxx an asshole. The Inmates were furious and justifiably tried to teach the little piss ant a lesson. But no, justice would not prevail that night, thanks to that nimrod Ryan Phoenix running in and sucker punching the Inmates.

Another thing that I must point out is that the Phoenix Foundation was also very lucky. Lucky in the sense that Badd was sick that day (he had a 104 degree temperature) and Maxx was exhausted because he had spent the last 24 hours catching up on the latest gentlemen's magazines (remember, he was recently released from prison). Factor that in with the cheap shot and the utter shock of being disrespected, and you soon start to figure out how and why the Phoenix Foundation won the belts.

My prediction, No - My Guarantee, is that at Retribution, the convicts will snatch back the gold and the Phoenix will fall.